That, extremely juvenile, statement is how I felt yesterday. It is amazing how the body can mess with the mind, isn't it. I haven't been feeling well. I was on week 3 of a cough and decided to go to the doctor on Thursday. I have bronchitis. Yay. Due to the combination of the coughing, congestion, headaches, inability to exercise and exhaustion from children that wake me up at all hours of the night, I have just been off. Add to all of that hoopla, girlie hormones, and you have the perfect storm of blah.
I got to a point in my day where I sat in my car at the grocery store and cried. I even had the brief thought that maybe I wasn't cut out to be a mom; that I had made the wrong choice. I hate when the self-doubt creeps in. It is maddening that all rational thought can just fly out the window like that! I consider myself a smart person and, under normal conditions, think I am a great parent. We all have our days when we slip and I acknowledge those, but overall, I think I do pretty well. How do we get to that point? How do we go from feeling we have it all together to feeling useless? I hit that point yesterday.
When I began to emerge from my haze in the afternoon, I hugged my children and apologized for how I had acted (which may or may not have included throwing a remote, that my son accidentally hit me with, across the room). I don't know where I am going with this except to ask you what coping mechanisms you use to get yourself out of a funk like that. How do you find the rational thought when you're drowning in your irrationality?
Ooh girl, I just have to take a break when things happen like that. And thankfully my hubby usually recognizes it and I either rest (take or nap) or go shopping (my other relaxing thing).
ReplyDeleteBut you were definitely off since you were not feeling so well, and that is completely understandable.
xoxo
Its amazing what exhaustion can do to your mind - add hormones to that and its hell!! Sorry you were having such a lousy day - if it helps any I think we've all been there at some point. Motherhood is tough - especially when there are kids involved :D
ReplyDeleteYou're asking ME how to find rational thought when you are drowning in irrationality??? If you know me (which you do, VERY well I may add) then you know that once I'm in a funk it's darn near impossible to pull myself out of it. All I can do is ride the wave of emotion out. For the well being of those around me, I tend to isolate myself, bawl until it hurts (or stops hurting, as the case may be), take a hot bath, read a good book and generally tune out the world for just a little while. This might seem selfish, and I fully admit my weaknesses and flair for the dramatic but honestly, I am a firm believer that when you are in an irrational head-space there is NO rational thought that can break through the fog. Sometimes you just need to let all the crap floating around your head out. I'm pretty sure that's why a lot of mom's blog, actually.
ReplyDeleteSo, yeah, don't judge yourself harshly, my friend. Those of us who KNOW you, can confirm what an amazing mother you are. Your kids are LOVED, deeply.
Hang in there, k?
Well I 100% know how you feel because this is something I have been working on for months. I've been doing better, but I certainly have my moments where I feel like nothing I do is right.
ReplyDeleteThe main thing I try to do is stay calm and think it through. Often when I feel myself having irrational thoughts, the more rational side of my brain will speak up and say, "You ARE a good mother. The things you are thinking are NOT true." And I try to make myself listen to the rationality more often these days. Before I would just push it aside, now I try to listen more.
But adding sickness and other hormones being crazy to the mix? Sometimes it is just impossible to stay calm, and honestly when that happens I just try to ride it out and wait for it to pass. Because trying to "snap out of it" when you feel like crap just doesn't work.
Hugs to you!
I hope you feel better soon, and get out of your funk!
ReplyDeleteI think you did what you had to, you apologized. I have moments where I hit my limit and scream at Josie and immediately feel awful for it.
ReplyDeleteHoping you get some much needed rest and thank God for fresh starts everyday, right?!?
I totally know how you feel, Kameron! I think the last statement puts it perfectly... how do you find rationality ...
ReplyDeleteFor me, taking a break from the situation, a nap if at all possible, and then regrouping. I know I'm closest to my breaking point when I'm TIRED and that's my biggest trigger. Everything seems oh so bleak when you're sleep deprived.
The other thing I do? Think of those close to me (in real life and blog land) who I know have struggled through so much and then I say a little thank you for all that I have because even when it seems overwhelming and I feel unfit, I know my concerns are tiny compared to what some may experience...
A good book often helps too - any kind of escape.
But, most importantly, just know 'blah' is normal and it's okay for it to come and go - doesn't make you any less great!
I have not had one of those crying in the car moments since Ariana was 2. (So 9 years ago!) I was so overwhelmed, guilty, crazy, etc... And I just had to change my point of view at that point. I had to start accepted just "ok" or "good enough" . Stop sweating the small stuff. My house may not always be perfect, I may raise my voice out of frustration, I may have a child whose hair is not in perfect piggy tails... but that is ok. In the grand scheme of things, will my children (or myself) look back over their childhood and think, "My mom didn't vacuum every day," or, "My mom yelled at me once for leaving my shoes in the kitchen." If those are issues are a much lesser part of the time, then the pleasant memories will be what portrays their childhood to them.
ReplyDeleteSometimes "good enough" is "good enough". Perfection is too much.
Just my 2 cents :-)
Time outs are probably more for my benefit than they are for my kids. And I'm a big crier too. Not like crying is at all rational though...
ReplyDeleteHope you get feeling better. A sick home (and mom) is no fun.
Oh, HECK yes, I do. I hear you loud and clear. Being a mom, trying to find yourself, be a wife, work...it is a crazy thing to try and balance. Once in while? A good female freakout is just the thing we need. Hope the Bronch clears up soon.
ReplyDeleteWell, at least I know I'm not alone! For me, I need time to be just that, alone. I usually feel better when I get some me-time. And walking every day helps. And vitamins. And acupuncture. Yes, this formula gets a little complicated, but it has kept me mostly sane. (I say mostly because my husband is in the room.)
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate some days! I saw a quote recently (that I am totally butchering with a paraphrase, but work with me): "don't let a bad day make you feel like you have a bad life".
ReplyDeleteSeems like a lot heaps up on us sometimes. You are so blessed!
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