In a word

There are many things that can invoke a memory. Sometimes all it takes is a smell, a familiar scene, or a song to bring a familiar memory rushing back to the forefront of your mind. You are instantly transported to that time and place. It isn't always a good memory. A smell might remind you of an ex boyfriend or hearing that particular song can take you to a sad time in your life, but most often for me the memories are happy ones.

I love it when, what sparks a memory, is something seemingly ordinary. One of those things for me is the word "interim".

I was in high school, probably a sophomore. I was hanging in my living room with my mom and we were discussing our plans for going to the beach. I wanted one of my friends to come and was waiting for her to call me back. I didn't want to make any decisions until I heard from her because, as a teenager, we all know our worlds hinged on our friends. My mom was still trying to move forward with the plans so she said, "In the interim, let's plan what we do know". I guess I hadn't heard that word before so I immediately started debating the validity of that word. "Interim, that is soooo not a word , mom!" Of course there was no checking Google to prove she was right so we embarked on a 20 minute search for the dictionary. In the end, as we all know, it was a word. We laughed about it and for years she didn't let me live down the fact that her smarty pants daughter (because I so was am) was wrong for once.

I just overheard that word as a co-worker was talking on the phone. I'd thank her for the happy memory she just sparked, but I'm pretty sure she'd look at me like I was nuts. So I will just sit and enjoy it with a few happy and sad tears welling up in my eyes. I miss her.

Today...

Today holds a whole lot of emotions for me.

It has been 10 years since I lost my Papa Al.

It has also been 9 years since I lost my Mama.

Today was the day they told me would be my daughter's birthday, but in tribute to her grandma  she was 5 days late.

My mom would have been proud. She was perpetually late. In her own words she was, "Always late but worth the wait". She was right.

I came home to a box of my grandmother's belongings that my uncle sent me.

I wept as I looked through its contents. Pictures, the family Bible and my Gram's collection of blown glass Christmas ornaments that I have adored since she got the first one.

I know this song is about a breakup, but truer words have never been spoken about how I feel today.

Alone and consumed by my loss.

Breakeven -The Script
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven, even, no
What am I suppose to do
When the best part of me was always you and
What am I suppose to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven, even, no

Fragments and a Flashback

I've got nothin. Not a full post in me to save my life, so instead I'll throw all of the fragments from this week into one.

Today my sister turns the big 4-0. I'm pretty sure she is going to kill me for posting that on my blog. She is awesome and I miss her dearly as she lives in Oregon with the rest of my family. Hopefully she has checked her e-mail by now or it will be spoiling the surprise to say that I got her a massage for her birthday. She deserves it! Happy birthday sis. I miss you a lot. Bahamas in the spring? Eh? Eh? Sorry, just wanted to plant the seed...again.

Ahhh.. Good times. This picture was taken 5 1/2 years ago. I wish I still looked this good..and this tan! And whatever happened to that tank top?? I loved it.

I think the reason I haven't posted this week is that I've been a little down. My mom's 62nd birthday would have been on Sunday. I did manage to distract myself by going up to Boston to have brunch with Jana, one of the awesome ladies I met at BlogHer. It helped immensely to be in fun company with great conversation and decadent food (mmm....doughnuts), but there is no amount of happy that can fill the hole that was left when I lost my mom. It has been almost 9 years and feels like an eternity. Ok, enough Debbie Downer talk! Sorry

I am looking forward to this weekend. I get a massage on Sunday and may even be able to talk my way out of having to go to the Columbus Day parade. Parades are annoying. I prefer to sit in a comfy seat on my couch to watch them. I did the Rose Parade on year. We even camped on the street the night before. It is better when you are in your pjs at home. Take my word for it.

For good measure, another flash back to this day in history....well, last year at least.

He was funny even then. Love this kid!

The Reason

My mom was diagnosed with MS when I was 7 years old. She battled a poorly understood disease for 16 years before her body decided it had had enough. I clearly remember doing the MS walk with my mom every year as a young child. Sometimes we'd start the walk and it would be too much for her in the heat (we lived in California) so we'd ride the air-conditioned shuttle to the end. Other times she'd feel strong enough to make it all the way through. After she passed away, I felt compelled to keep doing the walks and raise money for the organization that had helped my mother get through some really rough times. 

When I moved to RI, I didn't know anyone and ended up doing the first walk here by myself. Later that year, I found out a friend at work organized a team in honor of her dad who continues to battle with MS. We usually do the 6.2 scenic walk in Narragansett, but she was unable to attend this year so I opted to do the one held in Providence instead.

I woke up early on Sunday to a dreary morning. It was drizzling and kind of cold out. It wasn't the most motivating conditions to get up and go for a walk. I always told myself that I would involve my kids in this event. It is important to me that they know their grandmother, even if they were never able to meet her. The thought of pushing them for 3 miles in the rain was not at the top of my happy list, but then something occurred to me. My mom took my brother and I every year, rain or shine, feeling able-bodied or not, to show our support for this wonderful cause. I immediately pulled up my big girl undies and thought, "If my mom could do it year after year, so can I". I loaded up the kiddos, all by myself, and headed out to the walk.

I bundled them up and was one of the first people to head out when the walk began. The baby slept for about 30 minutes of it and the boy was so well behaved. We finished up and headed home. I was filled with a sense of pride for taking the first steps to introduce them to this event. I hope that they will always want to do this with me, in honor of their grandmother and all of the men and women living with this disease.

Thanks to some wonderful friends (IRL and bloggy buddies) and family, I was able to raise $555.00 this year!! This is the most I've ever raised and hope to keep raising my goal every year!

I'm still here

I've just been laying low. After I vented a bit in my vlog, I started to realize why I was having such a hard time last week keeping my cool. Mother's Day was on the horizon. I know I should have been all thrilled and everything, because I am a mom after all, but it is one of the hardest days for me. Since I lost my mother, my best friend, some days just aren't the same. I want to call my mom on mother's day. I want to send her flowers or give her a picture that Natey has colored. I want to take her out to brunch and go get pedicures. I miss her and it isn't fading with time like I thought it would. The pain is still as raw as the day I lost her.

My Mother's day wasn't the restful day that I thought I wanted either. Up at 7, out of the house by 8. Breakfast with my boys, a stop at one set of in-laws, Lowes to get the rest of the materials for my veggie gardens, built the raised bed frames, dug for worms with Natey, visit to second in-laws, stop at Home Depot since we forgot something at Lowes. Natey down for a nap, 2 1/2 hours of getting the raised beds set up. Showered and off to a cookout at a friend's house.

With every second of the day filled with something, I didn't have the time to wallow in my thoughts of my mom. I guess that's good and bad. I do enjoy the times I spend strolling down memory lane even if they are bitter sweet. I have been thinking a lot about baby number 2 that is growing bigger every day and even that is bitter sweet. My due date is the day my mother died. November 18th. I feel this is her gift to me. A way to take a negative day and turn it into something wonderful. That was who she was. She always smiled, even through her pain. She would want me to do the same.

On that note here is someone who always makes me smile. Disregard the hat. It was not that cold, he just found it in his closet and he looked to cute to argue.

Snapshots of a weekend

Here is some random happenings from my weekend:

Friday evening I made homemade marinara, pasta and garlic bread. Everything got cleared off of the table except for the basket of leftover bread. I filled the bath and called Natey to come hop in. I hear the pitter patter of his feet and then I hear nothing. Those of you who know my kid, know that hearing nothing usually means trouble. I walk back into the kitchen and peer into the breezeway to discover this. Natey had climbed onto the table and was chowing down on the garlic bread. Note to self...the climbing has begun.

Saturday was gorgeous out, so we ran some errands, went to lunch and then took Natey to Big Truck Day over at the YMCA. They had all kinds of trucks and the kids got to climb in them and honk the horns, much to the dismay of some of the other kids who were cowering and covering their ears. Natey got to explore a fire truck, a dump truck, a school bus (I know, not exactly a truck) , a tow truck and an 18 wheeler. He was geeking out getting to sit in the seat and push all of the buttons. (Excuse this pic. It was taken on my cell since my camera was dead.)
Sunday I participated in the annual MS Walk. For those of you who don't know, I lost my mom in 2001 and she lived with MS for 15 years. We used to do the walk every year (that mom felt up to it) when I was younger so I started participating again when I moved to RI. I've done it 3 out of the last 4 years. The only year I didn't participate in was when I was 7 months preggers with Nate because Aaron thought 6.2 miles would be too much. Ridiculous for someone who was already doing 4 miles on the elliptical every morning, but he rarely puts his foot down about anything, so I gave in. :o) The walk is in Narragansett, right along the beautiful Atlantic Ocean.

I walk on a team organized by my friend at work, whose father also has MS. Yes it was a bit windy, as you can see from my crazy hair! Thanks to everyone who supported me in my walk this year. I raised $600.00 which is double what I raised last year. I plan to start a little earlier next time and raise $1,000.00 for the next one.

I leave you with a conversation I had with a very antsy Natey in the car:

Natey: No,no, no, no, mommy, no.

Me: No what buddy?

Natey: NO NO NO!! (as he thrashes side to side in his car seat wanting to get out)

Me: Why no, Natey?

Natey: Because, nooooo!

Wishing and hoping

I just love Christmas time with my boy. Since my mom passed away, Christmas has been really hard for me. Some of my favorite childhood memories revolve around special holiday moments with my mom. I knew, after that first Christmas without her (a month after she passed), that Christmas wouldn't be the same until I had children of my own. Now that I have Natey, I feel a renewed sense of Christmas spirit. Seeing things through his eyes makes everything more magical. Even though I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful boy, a good job and a warm home it doesn't stop me from wishing for more.

I wish she was here now.

I wish she could hear her grandson's sweet little voice saying "lu you".

I wish I could send her a Christmas card with my little boy on Santa's lap.

I wish we could bake cookies and fudge together.

I wish we could reminisce about each ornament as we hung them on the tree.

I wish....

Christmas is a time of wishing and hoping. Natey is my hope for the future and my greatest wish come true. I am so thankful for the life I have now, I just wish she could share it with me.

A letter to my Mom

Happy Birthday Mama. Today you would be 60 years old. This is the 6th birthday I have had to celebrate without you, and though it should be getting easier, I'm not sure it ever will.

I showed your picture to Nathan today. I made sure to tell him it was grandma. He said, "Pretty", and touched your face. It was all I could do to keep from breaking into tears right then and there. I want him to know you, and it kills me that he can only do that through the stories that I will tell him. Stories of a woman so amazing, that I can't put into words everything I want him to know. I only hope that I can show him the wonderful soul you were by being the mother to him that you were to me. Always there to kiss the boo boos, read with him, laugh with him, smooch him and show him that his mama loves him more than he will ever know. I sing him the same songs that I remember falling asleep to when I was small and I can sometimes feel you there with me. Rocking my sweet child to sleep, I am reminded of the precious gift I have been given, but also the one that was taken from me too soon.

I did this evening what I always do on your birthday. I looked through old pictures to find my favorite ones of you. Most of my favorites are from when I was a child and before you got sick. You looked so young and full of life, so beautiful and hopeful. Even now when I remember you, it seems that my memories drift back to the time when you were the happiest. It saddens me that I don't have more pictures of you in the last couple of years before you died. The ones that I have I will cherish, but I will never loose the picture of you in my mind.

Please continue to watch over me and be close when I need you the most.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

You make me happy when skies are grey.

You'll never know, dear, how much I love you.

Please don't take my sunshine away.