Friday, January 16, 2009

Weighing in

A new year and a renewed sense of purpose. It's not like I was slacking on my goals. I do have over 2 years to complete the list, but some of the commitments are weekly things and one in particular I was screwing up....the exercising. I have mentioned before that I was very committed to working out in the past. In reality, I have never really liked it, but I committed to doing it because I know it is just one of those necessary evils.

I guess I should start at the beginning of the struggle. I have had a poor body image for as long as I can remember. I had a chunky phase as a kid and, unfortunately, my brain never separated what I used to look like from how I looked at any given moment. In high school I wasn't fat, but I thought I was. I graduated and went crazy with dieting and exercise and by 19 I was the thinnest I had ever been as an "adult". I was 5'7" and 135 pounds, in a size 6. I still thought I was fat. I wish present day me could go back and slap the crap out of 19 year old me because she was blind!!! I got into a not-so-positive relationship when I was 21. At that time I was in a size 8 and probably weighed ~140. Over the next 3 years I gained 51 pounds and ended up in a size 15. I was miserable, I was smoking a pack a day, eating poorly and trying to get through grad school.

I had a wake up call one day when I was so winded just going up a flight of stairs.

I decided to kick the smoking, kick up the exercise and eventually kick out the relationship. I lost 50 pounds in 6 months by eating better, not smoking and running 4 miles 5X a week. I guess that is the only time I actually enjoyed running. I felt at first like I was running away from something so I ran as fast as I could. As I began to loose the weight and feel better about myself I felt more like I was running toward something new and amazing.

I met my future hubby and I got comfy in that relationship. I yo-yo'd the 10 or 15 pounds that always seem to haunt me and ended up back at 160 a few months after we moved to RI. With an upcoming wedding and a dress to fit into, I hit the gym again with a vengeance. I lost 10 pounds but gained a ton of muscle. I was toned and happy and slept great. I had an overall sense of well being. Even when, 3 months later, I got pregnant I was determined not to let my body get out of hand. I told myself that I would never get back to the heaviest weight I had been at (190) and kept exercising up until 2 weeks before I had Nathan. I ended up gaining 38 pounds which put me 1 pound over that old weight. I wasn't happy about it, but as I think about it now, I DID have a baby in there this time!

After I had Natey is when things started to fall apart. Of course you loose the quick 20 pounds the week or 2 after they are born, but that left me at ~170 with a body that didn't resemble what I used to look like. I didn't really make any attempts to loose the weight for a while after he was born. I guess I expected breastfeeding to just suck the pounds away, but nope, didn't happen that way for me. I got back down to 158 but was still in teetering between a size10 and 12 because of my new shape. For some reason, I got lazy or busy and stopped going to the gym in October. With the lack of activity and the holiday eating I bounced back up to 168. That, folks is my official weigh in as of January 5th when I went back tot he gym. I have been back in the gym 4X a week for the last 2 weeks and I feel great. As of Wednesday I have lost 6 pounds and am down to 162. I can't believe I just put my current weight on the Internet, I must be loosing it. I guess I want to be accountable and the best way to do that is to just put it out there for all to see.

My goal is not a number, it is a feeling. I want to feel comfortable in my clothes, my old clothes that don't currently fit, that stare at me from my full closet!!! I was talking to my friend Joelle last night and we decided that it takes a dramatic change in your body to make you realize and appreciate what you looked like before. I have a new found love of my body, even in the state it is in right now. I carried my boy in there. I will love the new shape, even if I never can squeeze my mom hips into my old skinny jeans. And like my good friend (OK so I don't know him at all) Robert Downey Jr. once said, "Life is 70% maintenance". Once I get to my goal I won't quit this time. I will maintain so I don't have to work this hard again...until I have the next baby!!


  1. I love that cartoon!! I have been working hard at this as well!! I am quietly posting my real weights on my Working Mom blog (I am trying to keep my family blog more family).

    I wish I had the Amgen Gym to play in again - I think that is what I actually miss the most!!

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  4. Sorry...blogger went all crazy on me...erasing the crazy now...

  5. Hi Kameron,
    Thank you so much for sharing that with all of us. It encourages me and inspires me too. I, similar to you, have had fluctuating weights like a yo-yo! I am 5'6" and my thinnest weight was 115, and I was way too skinny--and I too thought I was fat back then. My heaviest was 180 (about two months ago). My normal (that I was quite content with most of the time) was in the 130's to 140's without having to try--that is until I found out I had mastocytosis and began treatment. As soon as I went on meds to treat my condition, I have gained a ton of weight. I need the meds, but the weight keeps piling on and doesnt seem to want to stop. I have gained 50 pounds since starting the meds, and I weigh more than both times I was 9 months pregnant! It is awful.

    I have arthritis as part of my condition, so losing the extra weight will eleviate some of the pain in my knees and feet. It makes me want to lose it even more!

    I have started walking but have been sick a lot, so it keeps getting interrupted. I am eating healthy foods but I dont think much will happen without exercise.

    If you dont mind continuing to post weigh ins, I would appreciate it! Maybe I can do the same, and we can have an on-line weight loss party! I am sure others would love to join us. Maybe we can even organize something to get others involved?

    Anyway, hope you have a great weekend and happy exercising!

  6. Wow that is soooo amazing! Putting all of those weights and sizes on there took allot of courage. It was such an inspirtional post i want to go work out now!

    My wife wont go near a scale and for sure wont let me be around when she HAS to get on one like at a doctors office or something. She is the same way in that she is striving for a feeling or sense of peace with herself instead of fighting the scale all the time and being disappointed that she isnt quite where she wants to be yet.

    She now looks and feels great, and I know you will do the same.

    Have a great weekend!

    Love and Prayers,


  7. I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one with a closet full of clothes that don't fit! I rem. when I came back to work after having Drew I bought some "big" pants to get me by until I could fit back into my pre-Drew pants, and guess what...I'm still wearing the big ones!! They are actually getting quite wore out, but I don't want to buy anymore in this size. I said that at the first of the year I was going to drastically change my eating habits, but that hasn't happened yet... I even thought about posting my weight every Friday on my blog to make me accountable!

    It's sounds like you are doing great and have a good plan in place!!

  8. I hear you loud and clear! If I could go back to High School I would slap myself silly for being so self conscious. If I could do it over again I would wear a string bikini everyday to school, work, whatever...even in the winter time. If it is any consolation, I always thought you were gorgeous in High School! Working out is much harder now with the little one. I feel like when I have off I should be with him playing! Keep up the good work!

  9. That cartoon is perfect! And what, are you telling me that I might just never fit into my skinny jeans no matter how much I lose because I had a baby and everything has shifted??? That stinks.

    Anyway, I love your honesty in your post. It's so true that as young women we are never happy with our image, and then as more mature women, we realize we looked pretty damn hot!

    I gained 60 lbs (yes, that's not a typo) when I was pg. I also thought the weight would just melt away when I nursed (maybe that's why I nursed until she was 13 months). I'm just now, a month shy of her 2 year birthday, realizing that I really, really need to make lifestyle changes and not just do a diet. I have been running again since January 1, and although I don't know what my weight is (tomorrow is weigh in day), I already feel better about myself - no longer so sluggish!

    Thanks again for such a great, honest post!

  10. Good for you losing so much already. Keep it up! That is awesome!

  11. Great transparency and candor. We all struggle with this, even if we're considered "thin." I'm in agreement that we all just want to feel good, and the diet and exercise method is the only way there. Then the pounds take care of themselves - even at my age.(ugh)

  12. I feel the same way as you. I was 10 lbs. lighter after having my first child than I am now. I hate the beating myself up over it- can't we just enjoy the wonderful body God gifted us with? I only wish it were that easy!
    Good luck and keep up the great work.

  13. Thanks for this post Kameron, it was so sincere and honest. There's so much pressure to look a certain way, and it doesn't help with the way women's clothes are cut, if you gain or lose even five pounds they don't fit right. My hubby can put on 15 pounds and still fit into his favorite jeans, it's really not fair.

  14. Way to put it all out there, girl! You can do can doooo eeeeet!No more yo-yoing for us.

  15. Wow, you have certainly been through a lot with weight. I have had struggles too and while our struggles vary greatly they still keep us from our personal best. For me, 10 extra lbs on a 5' 1" frame is a big deal so I struggle with that. But I agree with you, the goal is SO not a number but a feeling. I have been doing great and exercising but I have not weighed myself at all because I am going with the feeling. That, and a pair of jeans I have had for over 6 years. I wore them comfortably back in JUne and now they're too snug. So, when I get back into them I know I am good, regardless of the number on the scale.

  16. Wow! What a great story! I am also trying really hard this year and planning on dropping 40! I want my pre-baby body back and my baby is almost 5 LOLOL!

    I am really glad that you shared your story. I think that you look amazing and you should be proud for giving birth to a beautiful boy and guess what...that comes with stripes! Some of our stripes come as stretch marks and some as extra pounds but either way, I am so grateful for you as a person. You deserve what you want!!!

  17. Kameron, first off...I think you look great. I also think I always feel a lot better about life when I am in good shape and working out makes me feel good, so I think it's awesome that you're holding yourself accountable!

    By the way, I also feel as though I am good friends with Robert Downey, Jr. We go way back.

  18. Your doing GREAT!! Keep it up girlfriend because your inspiring me to keep on trucking. :o)

  19. I adore that cartoon. I know what you mean (sans the kids part). I remember back in college constantly wanting to lose a few pounds and years later I now wish I was my college weight! Oy. :)

    I like how you talk about the way you feel when you are in shape. I'm fairly thin-ish now, but not in good shape at all. I wish I was. That's a great goal.


What you talkin' bout Willis??