Weighing in

A new year and a renewed sense of purpose. It's not like I was slacking on my goals. I do have over 2 years to complete the list, but some of the commitments are weekly things and one in particular I was screwing up....the exercising. I have mentioned before that I was very committed to working out in the past. In reality, I have never really liked it, but I committed to doing it because I know it is just one of those necessary evils.

I guess I should start at the beginning of the struggle. I have had a poor body image for as long as I can remember. I had a chunky phase as a kid and, unfortunately, my brain never separated what I used to look like from how I looked at any given moment. In high school I wasn't fat, but I thought I was. I graduated and went crazy with dieting and exercise and by 19 I was the thinnest I had ever been as an "adult". I was 5'7" and 135 pounds, in a size 6. I still thought I was fat. I wish present day me could go back and slap the crap out of 19 year old me because she was blind!!! I got into a not-so-positive relationship when I was 21. At that time I was in a size 8 and probably weighed ~140. Over the next 3 years I gained 51 pounds and ended up in a size 15. I was miserable, I was smoking a pack a day, eating poorly and trying to get through grad school.

I had a wake up call one day when I was so winded just going up a flight of stairs.

I decided to kick the smoking, kick up the exercise and eventually kick out the relationship. I lost 50 pounds in 6 months by eating better, not smoking and running 4 miles 5X a week. I guess that is the only time I actually enjoyed running. I felt at first like I was running away from something so I ran as fast as I could. As I began to loose the weight and feel better about myself I felt more like I was running toward something new and amazing.

I met my future hubby and I got comfy in that relationship. I yo-yo'd the 10 or 15 pounds that always seem to haunt me and ended up back at 160 a few months after we moved to RI. With an upcoming wedding and a dress to fit into, I hit the gym again with a vengeance. I lost 10 pounds but gained a ton of muscle. I was toned and happy and slept great. I had an overall sense of well being. Even when, 3 months later, I got pregnant I was determined not to let my body get out of hand. I told myself that I would never get back to the heaviest weight I had been at (190) and kept exercising up until 2 weeks before I had Nathan. I ended up gaining 38 pounds which put me 1 pound over that old weight. I wasn't happy about it, but as I think about it now, I DID have a baby in there this time!

After I had Natey is when things started to fall apart. Of course you loose the quick 20 pounds the week or 2 after they are born, but that left me at ~170 with a body that didn't resemble what I used to look like. I didn't really make any attempts to loose the weight for a while after he was born. I guess I expected breastfeeding to just suck the pounds away, but nope, didn't happen that way for me. I got back down to 158 but was still in teetering between a size10 and 12 because of my new shape. For some reason, I got lazy or busy and stopped going to the gym in October. With the lack of activity and the holiday eating I bounced back up to 168. That, folks is my official weigh in as of January 5th when I went back tot he gym. I have been back in the gym 4X a week for the last 2 weeks and I feel great. As of Wednesday I have lost 6 pounds and am down to 162. I can't believe I just put my current weight on the Internet, I must be loosing it. I guess I want to be accountable and the best way to do that is to just put it out there for all to see.

My goal is not a number, it is a feeling. I want to feel comfortable in my clothes, my old clothes that don't currently fit, that stare at me from my full closet!!! I was talking to my friend Joelle last night and we decided that it takes a dramatic change in your body to make you realize and appreciate what you looked like before. I have a new found love of my body, even in the state it is in right now. I carried my boy in there. I will love the new shape, even if I never can squeeze my mom hips into my old skinny jeans. And like my good friend (OK so I don't know him at all) Robert Downey Jr. once said, "Life is 70% maintenance". Once I get to my goal I won't quit this time. I will maintain so I don't have to work this hard again...until I have the next baby!!